We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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