last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
