haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I wish my penis had an off switch
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
