You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
