He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
