Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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