you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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