I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Best friends brother. Beat that.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
