I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Randomize
