take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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