her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
