I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
