so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
