I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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