You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Randomize
