I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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