i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
