At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
