I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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