even my farts smell like vagina
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
