I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Randomize
