well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
