yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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