Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Randomize
