I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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