Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
