whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
