I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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