I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
