I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
