i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
