With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I supernannyed him into submission
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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