Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
