Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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