Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
