I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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