I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
