I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
