I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
