If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
