remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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