yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Who died my cat blue again?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Randomize
