I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
