Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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