Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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