I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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