Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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