Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
