Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
