Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
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