Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
