I heard we made out
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
