I haven't been this sober since birth.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
