i need an iv and a liver transplant
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
